4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
