Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
