You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
