New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
