Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
