It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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