Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
