im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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