I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
