There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
