my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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