Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
