just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
