I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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