I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
