Swine flu. Run for my life!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you never un-have a 4some
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
