I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
