omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
