Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
They have beer where we have blood.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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