come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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