she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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