so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
