Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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