There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
