Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
