please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I love you. Go after that dick
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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