my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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