i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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