you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
