I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize