one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
