Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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