i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize