i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
