My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
