Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
