I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
