i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
