No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
