I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
