I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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