The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
