I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
