My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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