I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
