bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
