tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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