dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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