You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
