Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
