i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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