i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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