At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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