If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
