i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
