I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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