There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize